A Profile On the Most Interesting Man I’ve Ever Me

CW: Mention of violence to animals, Use of slurs in quotations

Mark is a fascinating creature. He is perhaps one of the few true moderates left, researching his own opinions down slimy rabbit holes, some leading to meadows of enlightenment and others pits of bigotry and delusion. The cowboy hat on his head dips just above his eyebrows, it’s longer than his body, adding a few inches in both directions to his front and back. Wrangler carpenter jeans stained by honest work—further proven by a strong frame, burdened with bruises and fatigue—crumple at his ankles and slip down his waist. At some point in the night he tightens his belt. The final physical element of the ensemble is a button down donned with a delicate pattern, rolled tightly up to his biceps, a few buttons are missing but it’s not clear if he’s noticed. He is a cowboy through and through. His right ring finger has a sigil in ink, a crown, like one from a poker chip or a card. It seems perfectly natural on him; I wish I had asked about its placement.

Dialogue is an art with Mark. He considers certain things insults: faggot, retard, communist, liberal, MAGA, poor, rich, ugly, stupid, cunt. He considers other things funny: racism (“when not actually hurtin anybody, you know?”), improv comedy, shocked reactions. He considers most things interesting. He is a Trump voter but wishes the assassination attempt had worked; he’s a great supporter of Palestine; he’s very cognizant of the dangers women face but every woman is either a “fucking ugly pretentious cunt,” or a “total fuckin smokeshow I got to rail.” Each conversational step I made with him set me off-ballance. I cannot conceive of his mind’s functions.

He arrived to the bar plastered. Every bartender was greeted by name, and each bartender greeted his dog by name back. This dog—Buck—was leashless and well-behaved, a rare combination for a working dog in public. Mark told a charming story about his dog at ten months old (his is 24 months now). Buck had been wandering around the cattle at an old job they used to work, and he got too close to a cow. For people not in the south, cows seem like docile and even majestic creatures, but for cattle people more often they are a mean, filthy, stupid, nuisance. Cattle were bread to be dumb, bread to be killed, bread to be used, and some part of their spirit understands this, so they retaliate with bitter kicks and pain infliction on the ones they care for. As Buck approached the heifer, her spirit sparked and her feet kicked back. Buck was flown backwards into an old wooden palette, breaking several bones and crying out. The cow turned and began to walk towards him again, apparently the near-fatal kick wasn’t enough. Mark says:

“And I saws her movin towards him, and I just saids to myself absolutely the fuck no this bitch aint gonna do that. She’s so fuckin retarded she didn’t know what I was about to do. I remember I reached back into my waistband because at the time I was carrying a 4 with me everywhere I went… no wait it was a 5 that day. I remember that I shot all the 4 the day before so that mornin I had to grab my 5 and put that shit in my fuckin ass crack. So I whip it out and I’m just shootin in her direction beggin it hits. I’m gonna kill the cunt you know? Fuck it I can buy another cow there’s 5000 of those girls, how many fuckin dogs do I have that I’ve had since two weeks old by my goddamn side. She didn’t mean a shit. I fired three times, BLAM BLAM BLAM, first one missed ‘er, second one hit her right between the eyes and she dropped, the third one went over where her back was a second ago. I was glad to see the bitch dead.”

Buck put his head in my lap as the story concluded, and I wasn’t sure what to think of his owner at all, and I’m still not. We shared several drinks and cigarettes together while my mother and sister watched, and something brought us close together. Matt is inconceivable dense in many regards, offensive, hurtful, bigoted, underinformed. Yet he is simultaneously extraordinarily well read, sensitive, open, and feeling. He feels things deeply but doesn’t seem to understand deeply. I do not know what kind of a man he is, but I know he is an interesting case of the 21st century; a man on tiktok who abhors Facebook and Fox News, but believes that Donald Trump is a positive force. He enjoys philosophy but does not value the creation of new thinking. What this man is is an enigma, and quite enjoyable to share cigarettes with.

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